I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
