Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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