Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
