My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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