this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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