my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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