Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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