everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
