there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hippo gnu deer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
