All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
