I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
