I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
