i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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