so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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