i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
