I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
