I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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