You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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