omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
