My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
