I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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