i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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