I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
