his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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