Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
