I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
FUCK WHALES
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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