you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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