he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
