I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
