By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
