that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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