My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
