I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
