you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
