Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
from now on my penis is your penis
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
