i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
