He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
