I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
