Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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