Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
