who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
