If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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