I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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