I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
