My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
