On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
