Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
