The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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