You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
