i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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