well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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