And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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