When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
